on a cold summer night, i hit the woods
to disconnect for a little while
when i threw away all the goods
and i let my thoughts fly
some good music was playing with the sound of nature
i cant hear but the sound of silence
i hear my own thoughts again, after a long break
i try to stay grounded but im lightheaded
im flying away to the sound of crickets and bats
i look to the ground to see my shadow
then i look up to see people wandering just as i was
i can feel a happy vibe, it just isn’t with me yet
i will make it mine someday, i will be the person i want to be happy.
Sometimes, I feel that I just need a break from the world. I feel that I just want to give up on myself and let myself go.
I still have the darkest of thoughts every now and then. I will not stop them from haunting me anytime soon. They’ve become a part of who I am.
Every once in a while, I grab my guitar and I start strumming. I think to myself “Wow. This might make someone happy.” But then I remember that I’m still not on a headlining tour. I proceed to record whatever I was playing, hoping to get something out of it.
That one time, one of the people I sent one of my recordings to replied with “you just made me the happiest person on earth.” I teared up that night. At that point, the fire I put off was ignited again.
But then again, I still love to be alone. I will remain silent if I’m not at ease. I will stop interacting with any other human if I feel nervous. The only thing I would be focusing on would be my empty mind.
This post is more of a reflection upon myself more than it is to generalize an idea for everyone. This is purely my own thought and my own reflection that I wanted to share on my blog, Against the Chris K. I also started with this blog post a while ago and I just got the chance to finish it off.
Well, I’ve been through a lot in the past few months and I would love to talk about the main thing that occurred to me. In general I have transformed into someone different, someone with different interests than staying up all night to talk to friends. I stopped caring about people’s opinions or their analysis of my actions with them, while some of these people where actually changing in a way that I didn’t even feel any difference while talking to them. It kept the same vibe and the same overall mood between me and many people. Now, enough blabbering. What DID change in me?
Let’s start off with the obvious one; I started my college life. As an only child who is somewhat an introvert, it is kind of tough to kick start a smooth first year in college. I’m coping with it as much as I can but it still isn’t the best I can do. Other than that, coming from a modest family with savings that are just the right amount, tuition fees are a real pain in the ass. I’m not working and paying off my tuition fees on my own, but I can feel my parents’ pain when I tell them that my college posted my payment slip and the deadline is in a few weeks. I’ve become more conscious of my spending of money and I am trying to save as much as I can to just feel like I’m helping my parents out in some way.
Next up; not being sure about my future. Now, I’m pretty sure I won’t use my degree (it’s an engineering degree, call me crazy), but honestly I’m really into engineering because I have a love for Mathematics and physics in general (mostly mathematics). What I REALLY want to do for the rest of my life is play and write music for people to enjoy. Coming from a very uptight background and a very strict community which believes that ‘if you’re not a doctor, engineer, lawyer or architect, you will be jobless and live a miserable life’, it’s very tough to tell your parents that. I honestly think that this is complete BS because one is miserable only when they’re doing something knowing their efforts are in vain. If you can’t do what you feel most comfortable doing, then what’s the point of it? Okay sure, I love solving differential equations and finding if a series converges or diverges. But I don’t see myself doing that years from now. I see myself hugging fans and playing some good music to people who would sing back to me the lyrics I put from my own heart.
And as stated previously, I’m an introvert. I have an undying fear of rejection and of not fitting in. I’m not good with talking to people I never chilled with before (it sounds confusing but really it’s very simple). I would rather stay aside and not talk to anyone rather than socialize with a random person. I hate crowded places. I’m overall not good with people I don’t know (or barely know). It’s hard for me personally to get out of my comfort zone (although compared to previous years, I’ve improved greatly when it comes socializing). Being in a place where I know absolutely nobody will be a place that I utterly hate. Now, don’t get me wrong. I made friends in college, but we don’t have the exact same schedules so I barely see them. I’m working on bettering my social skills but this will take a long time to get to.
That’s all for now. Stay awesome and Keep Blogging!
Once you feel like you’re done, nothing but denying your past, a thread of thought gets you thinking about what you lost.
You find comfort alone, in a room full of people, people who see you suffer yet leave you fall. They don’t see but blood dripping from the blades, blades that rip your soul apart. They see your bruises, but don’t cry. It’ll be over, I promise.
Hitting your knuckles hard on the walls that witnessed the not-so-pleasant scenes. You’re dealing with the cruel world, but you’re not alone.
Don’t let them call you a travesty, don’t let the blades serenade you.
Let the sound of madness escape your heart, let the echo of the names reside in their graves. Let your heart lead you, let your eyes teach you that bullies are yet to fall. You won’t escape this though because the good finish last.
Put down your blades, climb up the trench. You deserve to live rather than them.
As you raise your head you will see the light, not your death but the end of the fight. Never give up on your precious life because you’re just as bright as the stars at night.
I’m about as awkward as a penguin in a flock of chicken
Yeah, many of the teenagers of our day are socially awkward. What is even cooler is that the kids who are socially awkward are often bullied for it and treated like trash because of it. I can’t see where this could possibly go wrong.
If you bully that kid who doesn’t talk to anyone during breaks, would it make his problem any better? Would that help him feel that other people care about him? Would that encourage him to make new friends and start talking to new people? Would that make him feel loved?
When you push this “weird” kid to resort to self harm, and then say that he’s seeking attention, don’t you think the razor blade is giving him a little too much attention because you’re not?
Don’t you see that you are forcing people to develop a psychological problem they can never resolve without the help of others?
How would it feel if you were bullied because you stutter while talking? Or because of the way your hands tremble when you stand in front of an acquaintance? Or because of the way you try to avoid eye contact with people you don’t know?
It would be funny, wouldn’t it be?
To every person who got bullied because of the way they dress, the way they look, or the things they do, I feel you, and I Love You.
– Chris K.