on a cold summer night, i hit the woods
to disconnect for a little while
when i threw away all the goods
and i let my thoughts fly
some good music was playing with the sound of nature
i cant hear but the sound of silence
i hear my own thoughts again, after a long break
i try to stay grounded but im lightheaded
im flying away to the sound of crickets and bats
i look to the ground to see my shadow
then i look up to see people wandering just as i was
i can feel a happy vibe, it just isn’t with me yet
i will make it mine someday, i will be the person i want to be happy.
Sometimes, I feel that I just need a break from the world. I feel that I just want to give up on myself and let myself go.
I still have the darkest of thoughts every now and then. I will not stop them from haunting me anytime soon. They’ve become a part of who I am.
Every once in a while, I grab my guitar and I start strumming. I think to myself “Wow. This might make someone happy.” But then I remember that I’m still not on a headlining tour. I proceed to record whatever I was playing, hoping to get something out of it.
That one time, one of the people I sent one of my recordings to replied with “you just made me the happiest person on earth.” I teared up that night. At that point, the fire I put off was ignited again.
But then again, I still love to be alone. I will remain silent if I’m not at ease. I will stop interacting with any other human if I feel nervous. The only thing I would be focusing on would be my empty mind.
This post is more of a reflection upon myself more than it is to generalize an idea for everyone. This is purely my own thought and my own reflection that I wanted to share on my blog, Against the Chris K. I also started with this blog post a while ago and I just got the chance to finish it off.
Well, I’ve been through a lot in the past few months and I would love to talk about the main thing that occurred to me. In general I have transformed into someone different, someone with different interests than staying up all night to talk to friends. I stopped caring about people’s opinions or their analysis of my actions with them, while some of these people where actually changing in a way that I didn’t even feel any difference while talking to them. It kept the same vibe and the same overall mood between me and many people. Now, enough blabbering. What DID change in me?
Let’s start off with the obvious one; I started my college life. As an only child who is somewhat an introvert, it is kind of tough to kick start a smooth first year in college. I’m coping with it as much as I can but it still isn’t the best I can do. Other than that, coming from a modest family with savings that are just the right amount, tuition fees are a real pain in the ass. I’m not working and paying off my tuition fees on my own, but I can feel my parents’ pain when I tell them that my college posted my payment slip and the deadline is in a few weeks. I’ve become more conscious of my spending of money and I am trying to save as much as I can to just feel like I’m helping my parents out in some way.
Next up; not being sure about my future. Now, I’m pretty sure I won’t use my degree (it’s an engineering degree, call me crazy), but honestly I’m really into engineering because I have a love for Mathematics and physics in general (mostly mathematics). What I REALLY want to do for the rest of my life is play and write music for people to enjoy. Coming from a very uptight background and a very strict community which believes that ‘if you’re not a doctor, engineer, lawyer or architect, you will be jobless and live a miserable life’, it’s very tough to tell your parents that. I honestly think that this is complete BS because one is miserable only when they’re doing something knowing their efforts are in vain. If you can’t do what you feel most comfortable doing, then what’s the point of it? Okay sure, I love solving differential equations and finding if a series converges or diverges. But I don’t see myself doing that years from now. I see myself hugging fans and playing some good music to people who would sing back to me the lyrics I put from my own heart.
And as stated previously, I’m an introvert. I have an undying fear of rejection and of not fitting in. I’m not good with talking to people I never chilled with before (it sounds confusing but really it’s very simple). I would rather stay aside and not talk to anyone rather than socialize with a random person. I hate crowded places. I’m overall not good with people I don’t know (or barely know). It’s hard for me personally to get out of my comfort zone (although compared to previous years, I’ve improved greatly when it comes socializing). Being in a place where I know absolutely nobody will be a place that I utterly hate. Now, don’t get me wrong. I made friends in college, but we don’t have the exact same schedules so I barely see them. I’m working on bettering my social skills but this will take a long time to get to.
That’s all for now. Stay awesome and Keep Blogging!
So I had nothing to do and I don’t feel sleepy at all. I decided to listen to some music while I put together this random post. I’m currently listening to some All Time Low songs because I can relate to their songs, mainly Somewhere in Neverland, a lot. At this point in my very short life, I guess it pretty much puts the past 18 years I’ve been alive in a nutshell.
My graduation ceremony is on Monday. I still can’t believe that I’m done with high school and all the douches there. I’m not too happy though because I’m leaving my closest friend there and this doesn’t feel good at all. But on the bright side, I don’t have to deal with some douchebags who complain about my videos being stupid. I’m better off without their trash talk. If I want to film a video, I’m going to film it and upload it without asking for an opinion.
Other than that, I still have to study for my official exams, and I’m not too excited about that because I just want to start my summer vacation already. I want to go out with friends and stay up all night chatting with new people, discover new places, play some music for people I don’t necessarily know, overall enjoy my vacation before I begin my first year of college. I really don’t want this summer to be a boring and unproductive one like every year.
Let’s talk about more random stuff. The weather is literally going crazy. I don’t know whether to wear a pullover over my t-shirt or just go out without it. Mother Nature is playing us. The temperature two days ago here was 37 degrees Celsius, and I live in a mountain village. THIS IS NOT OKAY.
Damn I just want to get over with all this. Like pronto. On the bright side, I can sleep in and no one would care less because I’m done with regular school schedules for a good 3 months now. At least until I start college. The college I chose is far from home too so that’s a new experience. I’m not leaving Lebanon though, I’m still here. I’m just moving to another district in Lebanon, and stuff.
I think this is my longest blog post at the moment. I usually like to keep it concise. But I really feel like putting some of my thought online to entertain any person out there.
To everyone reading this, I genuinely love you so much it could cut a piece of titanium in half. Peace ❤
– Chris K.
It’s been so long since I’ve seen your face
When we had everything, yeah everything
But now my gut is just filled with hate and I don’t give a damn about how you feel
All that remains is the old broken promises
The ones I made when I was numb
The ones that made me feel so happy
The ones you blindly believed, the ones I didn’t keep
Trust me I see your misery, your eyes burning with despair
I can’t help you anymore, you didn’t want my help
The monsters inside us pull us apart, but their voices are apologizing
It’s keeping us away, it’s so not fair
Sometimes you start to wonder whether it’s all worth fighting for
Sometimes you start to think about letting all this go
But you hang on to your past like it’s a trap you fell in and you forget that what matters now is your happiness
And it’s all over.